The Crush
by Dr. Seth
Summary: Ever wonder what pyramid heads do for fun? The story gets worse...
1. The Crush

1 THE CRUSH  
  
All right, goils and boils; this one is written by special request. At the rate this is going, I might have to write one about Isaac, just to make it a neat little trilogy! Enjoy, or not.  
  
  
  
He could hear it coming; sloshing it's way through the dark, half- flooded labyrinth halls, dragging that enormous knife behind it. It was fast approaching, and he tried, as quietly as possible so as not to give away his location, to escape from the nightmare that so relentlessly hunted him. Glancing behind to see if it was close, he failed to notice that he had walked into a dead end, and he slammed into the wall, falling on his butt into the murky water that lined the path of the maze. The resounding splash must have alerted his hunter to his whereabouts, and the following footfalls grew nearer and nearer. All he could do was scrunch into a corner, and pray that it wouldn't find him. He hugged his knees close to him, while the thoughts of mad animals raced through his brain, useless thoughts that would serve no purpose against an enemy so ruthless, so determined, and so indestructible. As he crouched in the darkness, he heard it pass, then stop, at the entrance to the little L-shaped hallway he was hiding in. It had found him. He could tell by the slowed and deliberate steps it took as it rounded the corner that it was savoring its find. Either that, or the knife was finally tiring it out. It broke into view, the monstrous ripples it and it's deadly weapon made in the water crashing on his trembling body. It towered above his cowering form, all five feet and one inches of it. It wore a hideous black apron spattered with red blotches of pizza sauce, some fresh from a recent kill, some old and dried, cracking with every movement. It smelled richly of butchered meat, like ground beef, Italian sausage, and pepperoni. In its hand it clutched the Great Knife, and instrument of unholy proportions, so heavy and large it had to drag it along the ground. But the head, that was the most terrifying part. The spreading, self-satisfied grin that graced its hideous face was truly horrifying.  
  
"Pyramid Head!" It chirped. "There you are!"  
  
Pyramid Head shuddered, quaking in his boots. He resigned himself to his inevitable fate.  
  
"You found me!" He sighed in defeat. Michelle the Pizza Slut offered him her hand, but it was primarily useless, since Pyramid Head was so heavy, she couldn't have possibly lifted him off the ground. He got to his feet, dusted himself off, and then tried to deal with his personal little monster. She kissed the bridge of his pyramid.  
  
"Nooooo!" Pyramid Head groaned, pushing her away. Kisses were icky! He took out handkerchief that could have been white at one time but was drenched in blood from being in his butcher's apron's pocket and wiped the area where she had smooched him.  
  
"Can you carry the knife? It's so big and heavy, it's starting to kill my back." She pleaded.  
  
"No! You wanted to play with it, you have to deal with the consequences!" He grunted. He grabbed onto her hand, dragging her behind him as she dragged the knife behind her.  
  
"How did I get into this mess?" he moaned.  
  
"Want me to tell you?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"It all started with pizza." 


	2. Atonement for the Sins of the Driver

1  
  
2 Atonement for Sins of the Driver  
  
It had been hours since Rob had left, but the manager of Pizza Hell was too busy kissing district manager ass to notice. Unfortunately, the situation was brought to their attention by a very startling phone call.  
  
"Thank you for calling Pizza Hell, will this be delivery or carry out?" Michelle the Pizza Slut grunted into the phone. The endless barrage of stupid customers had drained her of her will to live, and she was simply droning on until 9 o'clock rolled around and she would be released from her bonds.  
  
"I need to speak to your manager!" the voice on the other end irately boomed.  
  
"Um.what exactly is the problem?" Michelle figured she could wrestle this situation under control herself, because Craig, the ass-kissing manager, usually only indulged in the customer's most outrageous whims instead of trying to solve problems, and ended up giving them enormous egos that came back to haunt the less fortunate denizens of Pizza Hell.  
  
"First off, my pizza was cold and late, but to top it off, the son-of-a- bitch that you sent to deliver it rudely demanded that I give him a tip for his inadequate services! I had no choice but to stab him and string him up in a cube in my living room! I demand to be compensated!" The customer yelled, causing Michelle to cringe. She was too tired to deal with this shit. Might as well just hand it over to Craig and let him eat this guy's banana!  
  
"Hold on one second while I get the manager." Michelle put the customer on hold and went looking for Craig, who as usual had his face lodged in the district manager's ass crack.  
  
"Erm.excuse me, sir.." Michelle tapped Craig on the back.  
  
"What seems to be the problem?" Craig lifted his head to address her. His nose had a bit of a brown spot on it.  
  
"This guy on the phone had problems with his pizza, and I think he stabbed Rob." Michelle easily guessed which driver had the balls to ask for a tip after giving such crappy service.  
  
"Ok! I'll deal with it!" Craig strutted over to the phone and began conversing with the customer. Michelle leaned in a little to try to overhear what kind of bizarre demands Craig was going to fulfill. All she could pick up was something about three golden skulls, the Hope diamond, and a virgin for sacrifice. Typical. Craig asked for the customer's phone number, and pulled up the order and the address on a computer screen. Seems this was a Mr. P. Head who lived all the way out in the new district of Silent Hill. This was all she could discern, because at that moment, the phone rang and she had to take care of another call. During this call, the customer switched orders so many times, that it was already way passed 9 o'clock when she finished. Quittin' time! She started humming Devo's song "Clock Out" as she shuffled over to the Pizza Hell computer to clock out. Craig intercepted her.  
  
"Don't bother clocking out. There's no need to record your presence here any more. You're going out to Silent Hill to deliver a pizza." He said.  
  
"What for? I'm not a driver! And even if I did deliver a pizza, wouldn't I be coming back, and there would be a reason to record my presence.?" Michelle grew increasingly alarmed.  
  
"The customer has demanded a llama, three gold-encrusted human skulls, a mink coat, a keg of beer, and a virgin for sacrifice." The district manager informed her. " We put all of the names of Pizza Hell virgins in a bag, and drew out your name."  
  
That wasn't particularly hard, considering the only other virgin in Pizza Hell was Michelle's fellow Pizza Slut, Sarah Calvin. They were only Pizza Sluts by names, not by deeds.  
  
"Why did you do this, Craig? That llama doesn't deserve this!" Michelle growled.  
  
"Happy customers mean repeat customers, which mean more money for the All- Encompassing Pizza God, I mean, Pizza Hell!" Craig merrily chirped.  
  
"But if I'm gone," Michelle added, "That means you have to answer your own phones!"  
  
She watched as the little gears in Craig's brain turned, but in the end, her statement made no impact.  
  
"Go on into the Closet of Atonement and get what you need while we make his pizza!" Craig commanded. Michelle had no choice. She grabbed the llama from the Pizza Hell corral out in back and loaded it up with the customer's tribute. She lay the fur coat down as a sort of saddle, managed to get the three gold skulls into a bag, and tied the beer keg to the back. On her way out, they handed her the steaming hot pizza. As she rode off for Silent Hill atop her downy soft steed, she waved goodbye to Sarah. The Pizza Slaves out front asked her to buy cigarettes for them since she was going out, and for once she agreed, knowing she wasn't coming back. As she traveled to Silent Hill, she came to terms with her situation- after all; being a virgin sacrifice was probably more fun than being a Pizza Slut.  
  
Silent Hill wasn't such a bad town. It was lined with rather quaint and antiquated shops and houses. Looking on the ticket, she saw that her destination was the Silent Hill Historical Society. She made her way through the swirling fog-lined streets, thinking she was getting closer, but only to find herself confronted with several dead ends. She saw what appeared to be a woman in the dense fog walking down the streets, and she urged her llama towards her.  
  
"Excuse me!" Michelle called out. "Do you know how to get to the Silent Hill Historical Society?"  
  
The woman swung around. Her face was bubbling and distorted. Michelle tried not to openly show her interest in the deformity, but couldn't help but hint at her disgust towards the woman's outfit- she was dressed like a tacky strip-o-gram nurse! The "nurse" let out a low moan.  
  
"Um, I'm trying to get to the residence of a Mr. P. Head. Do you know how to get there?" Michelle tried again. This time, the nurse shrieked and quickly stumbled away. Maybe she had a fear of llamas, Michelle reasoned. She carried on, worriedly checking the pizza, seeing if it was still warm. About twenty minutes had passed, when she heard footsteps quickly approaching from behind. She glanced back and saw a man running though the deserted streets. He tried to ignore her, but his head swiveled to look at her, as if it was beyond his control. She heard him mutter "Aw, Hell, what now?" as he made his way towards her. He stopped in front of her, wheezing hard from the exertion of his run.  
  
"Hi." Michelle mumbled. "Can you tell me how to get to the Silent Hill Historical Society?"  
  
"Yeah.I.think.I.can.." The man panted. "Why.are.you.going?"  
  
"Well, I have to deliver a pizza to Mr. P. Head."  
  
"Oh.never heard of him. I think it's back that way." He pointed down a winding road. "I'm on my way to the apartments. Wanna come?" he implored.  
  
"You want me to follow you around and get sliced up accidentally with that chainsaw?" She pointed to the tool he wielded. "Not this time."  
  
"Ok. Suit yourself!" He jogged off into the mist once more. She continued down a long and winding road towards the shape of a building she could just make out in the darkness. Rob's empty car was poorly parked in the parking lot, left askew between two yellow lines. The sign out front signaled that her journey was at an end. She dismounted the llama and knocked on the doors. They promptly opened.  
  
The man standing in the doorway was the most handsome man Michelle had ever seen in her life. He had excellent taste in shoes, evident by the black boots he wore, and his butcher's apron was quite fetching. His arms were wiry but muscular, and he had a precious little potbelly she could barely restrain herself from rubbing, like a big, bloody Buddha. His head was finely tapered into a beautiful, gleaming pyramid from which his deep, sensual voice emanated.  
  
"Wow! That was pretty fast!" He snatched the pizza from her trembling hands and threw open the box. "Still hot!" He crammed a large, steaming slice into his pyramid, slurping up the excess grease. "So, did you bring everything?" He looked over her cargo, making sure it contained everything he had requested. "Wow. You guys are total suckers! I didn't think you'd really bring me all of this stuff. I should get pissed off at you more often." Michelle rolled her eyes as Craig's obsequiousness worked it's magic on customer's minds. When Mr. Head stopped in front of Michelle to examine her, she felt weak and naked. Looking deeply into his pyramid.thing.she felt her heart go all a-flutter.  
  
"So, you're the virgin sacrifice, eh?"  
  
"Yes, sir." She squeaked.  
  
"I can see why you're still a virgin." He chuckled. Michelle was too smitten to be insulted. The way she was feeling about Mr. Head, she wasn't sure if her virginal condition would last much longer!  
  
"Let's get all this stuff back to my place." He grunted as he made his ways down the halls. He set a pretty quick pace, and Michelle had difficulty keeping up with him, especially being so weak in the knees. With his strange gait, she had to keep biting her fingers to restrain herself from pinching his cute little ass. It was a long way through a complex maze to his house, and with each step, Michelle felt more and more capable of doing unspeakable things to Mr. Head. Finally, they arrived.  
  
"Just go ahead and have a seat on the couch." Mr. Head motioned her into the living room as he began unpacking his loot. Michelle just about sunk into the comfortable cushions on his huge couch. It was positioned facing a big screen TV, which sat between two cubes that had people strung up in them. She recognized one as Rob and couldn't help but smirk- he had finally gotten his come-uppance. At the foot of the TV were several video game systems ranging from old Ataris to a Play Station 2, a Dreamcast, and a Gamecube. Maybe he would let her play Maniac Mansion on his 8-bit Nintendo before she was sacrificed. Maybe she could think of something better and naughtier to do with her last request. Mr. Head grabbed the keg and chugged it down as if it were a regular can of beer. When he was finished, he smashed the keg on the side of his head and tossed it onto a pile of other crushed kegs in the corner. He then put on the fur coat and pranced around the living room.  
  
"Check this out! Big Pimpin'!"  
  
Michelle giggled.  
  
"How much do you think these would go for on Ebay?" He held up the golden skulls.  
  
Michelle shrugged. He arranged the skulls on top of his TV.  
  
"Ooh! Now my petting zoo is complete!" He said as he eagerly stroked the llama. The llama simply spit on him in defiance, and as the cud struck his head it made the same sound as a resonating spittoon. Mr. Head didn't seem to mind. He lead it away through a door which had the words "petting zoo" scribbled across it in blood, leaving Michelle to contemplate her surroundings. It was just an ordinary apartment nestled in the bowels of a museum, which used to be a jail for the criminally insane. It was rather cozy, in fact. She leafed through the magazines on the coffee table. His full name was Pyramid Head, and he had subscriptions to Bizarre Magazine, Big Honkers, Motorcycle Madness, and Entertainment Weekly. She had just started on a juicy article about Thai transvestites, when Pyramid Head marched back upstairs, sans llama.  
  
"Well, that's that! Looks like Ripley is going to have a good life with Dale, my goat, and Blood Monkey, my pot bellied pig. She made herself right at home!" Pyramid Head lumbered over to a closet.  
  
"Ripley?"  
  
"From Alien. What's wrong with that?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
Pyramid Head dragged an immense knife and a lengthy lance from the closet and laid them on the floor in the living room.  
  
"Eenie-meenie-miney-moe." He began mumbling, pointing back and forth between the two instruments.  
  
"This is for my sacrifice, right?" Michelle inquired.  
  
"Yes! Aw, heck, you made me lose my concentration! Now I have to start all over again!" Pyramid Head scratched his pyramid head.  
  
"Whom are you sacrificing me to?"  
  
"No one in particular. Just thought it would be fun." He shrugged.  
  
"Oh."  
  
He resumed his chanting.  
  
"Well, if it's all the same to you." she interjected again "I'd rather go with the big knife there."  
  
"I don't know.that knife is so damn heavy, it irritates my hernia!" he whined.  
  
"But it looks so cool!" She stroked the enormous blade. "And it's so.big!"  
  
Pyramid Head coughed slightly. Michelle crouched over the knife and started petting it, with a rather wide grin that she hoped would further her self- preservation. She picked it up and tried to handle it, but just ended up looking ridiculous. The damn thing weighed probably as much as she did. Pyramid Head looked down on the small girl lugging his Great Knife around his living room, wearing her little apron, and a weird little thought crept into his mind.Maybe, just maybe, he could train her to use the knife, and make her a little pyramid hat, and he could let her do his judging for him so he could stay home and get drunk and play video games! Yeah, that's the ticket!  
  
"Say, little girl."  
  
"My name's Michelle, P. Baby."  
  
"And my name's Pyramid Head! Not 'P. Baby'!! What the hell is wrong with you? Anyways.maybe I'll keep you around. But you'll have to earn your keep, and in exchange, I'll train you to do the stuff that I do. You can be Pyramid Head Junior, or something." Pyramid Head patted her on the shoulder.  
  
"You mean it?" She leaned in closely to him, gazing deeply into his pyramid. This made him a bit uncomfortable.  
  
"Um, sure. Might as well give it a try. Who's going to judge and butcher when I'm gone, right?" He tried to back away.  
  
"Oh, Pyramid, you're so good to me!" And with this, she lunged towards him with amorous intent, still clutching the Great Knife.  
  
"Hey.what're you..cut that out.I.I .I!" Pyramid Head didn't like this attention, and he panicked. She gripped the lapel of his fur coat, leaning in closer and closer. With one swift motion (well, as swift as an out-of- shape guy with a heavy pyramid for a head can move) he slipped out of the coat and took off down the halls of the labyrinth. As he ran down those halls, he heard her cry "I'm going to find you!" accompanied by a disturbing giggle and the scraping of the Great Knife on the floor.  
  
*************************************************  
  
".And then I found you in that corner." Michelle concluded the story. Pyramid Head grunted in reply, kicked open the door to his apartment, and dropped Michelle on the couch once more. He wrenched the Great Knife from her grip and threw it in the closet with the spear. Pacing in front of her, with hands on hips, he considered this situation: on the one hand, he could just slice her in half and be done with her affections, but on the other, he could play hooky all he wanted and leave her to do his dirty work for him if he could tolerate her long enough to train her! The latter seemed to have more advantages, after all, and he decided they had just gotten off to a bad start. He simply had to break her of this fondness. That couldn't be so hard- all he had to do was treat her rough, and soon she would see him as a big jerk and lose her taste for him, and that seemed easy enough to do, being that he was the big tough Pyramid Head.  
  
"Now, look here!" He barked at her suddenly, about to command her. She was leafing through his job folder, which he had left on the coffee table. "Hey! What are you doing?!"  
  
"I'm just trying to find out what your job is about." She replied. At least she was eager to learn.  
  
"I'll tell you everything you need to know! Gimme that!" he snatched the folder from her hands. "I didn't tell you to go touching my stuff!" He checked to see that all of the papers were in order, and then sat on the couch next to her to begin explaining the facts of pyramid life. "Ok, being a pyramid head means you have to judge people. The central agency sends you a little booklet on who you're supposed to judge, and then you have to call them over to Silent Hill."  
  
"So, you have an organization?" She questioned, scooting closer to him on the couch.  
  
"Um, yeah. Anyways, after you call them, you basically just lead them around town, leaving them clues as to why they're here. Usually, the people we get are deranged loonies, like this guy, James." He pointed to the little photo of his victim clipped to the front of the folder. "I wrote him a letter as his dead wife Mary, calling him to his 'special place'. See, he's totally deluded himself into forgetting that he killed her. Thus, we must judge him."  
  
"I saw that guy on the street!" Michelle exclaimed. "He said he was going over to the apartments!"  
  
"Shit! I have to go!" Pyramid Head leapt up from the couch and dashed towards the closet. He again seemed to be faced with the same decision, but grabbed the knife and began hauling it out the door. "Don't touch anything, you hear me?!!!" he threatened as the door shut behind him. Michelle sat alone in the apartment for a few minutes, listening to the receding scrape of the Great Knife on the metal hallway's floor. After a moment of hesitation, she decided to follow Pyramid Head, to try to get a head start on her education. 


	3. Someone's in the kitchen with P. Head

SOMEONE'S IN THE KITCHEN  
  
WITH P. HEAD  
  
  
  
Everything was trial and error at this point. Michelle had no map, no flashlight, nothing, save for her wits as she wandered the apartment complexes. It was quite creepy, and she jumped at every sound she heard. She had only been able to follow Pyramid Head up through the secret entrance from the underground catacombs, but after that, she lost him, leaving her alone in the building. Soon, she began finding bodies of strange creatures scattered on the floor, lying in spreading puddles of blood that emanated from massive wounds in the creature's heads. Michelle was certain that if she followed the trail of dead bodies, she would find him. She unfortunately ran into the wrong him.  
  
James Sunderland was busy kicking a writhing mannequin on the ground, waving his chainsaw above his head like a macho psycho.  
  
"Hmm, macho psycho…" Michelle thought, watching James scream 'Who's your daddy?' at the fallen creature. "That would make a good name for a band." She dropped the notion and decided to make her presence known to James in the hopes that trailing him would eventually lead to a run in with her dreamboat.  
  
"Um, hello, James…" She cautiously crept around a corner.  
  
"Wha--?!?! Who's there?!?!" James's adrenaline rush hadn't subsided yet, and Michelle's head was rudely and abruptly introduced to his plank. She fell to the ground immediately, and James rushed over and kicked her in the ribs.  
  
"Ha ha! Take that, you hideous, uh, little girl?" James now realized the error of his mistake. He bent down to offer the fallen Pizza Slut a hand. She bit it.  
  
"Do I really look like one of those things?!" she shouted. She could see that James had difficulty nodding his head 'no'. She got up off the floor and dusted herself off. Ignoring his rudeness, she decided to continue on with her plan. "Uh, look, James, I changed my mind. Maybe I do want to follow you around because…" she played into his ego. "I need a big, strong man to protect me from all of those things!"  
  
"Ok. Can you carry stuff?"  
  
"I have pockets in my aprons."  
  
"Gee, you're swell!" he said, dumping several items from his pockets to hers. As he transferred his goods, a scream was heard north of there.  
  
"Goddamn cock-sucking whore beast!!!"  
  
Michelle instantly recognized the voice as that of her pointy-headed lust object.  
  
Pyramid Head limped over to his space behind the bars, still cursing because he dropped the damn Great Knife on his foot. He left it propped up against a wall in the hallway and awaited James's arrival. He was now going to reveal himself, and as he stood beyond the bars, he struck his most evil and menacing pose. First, the crackling of the radio was heard, and then, a spot of light appeared at the end of the hallway. James was walking in his direction, but who was that he had with him? It looked like that little twerp! James and Michelle walked right up to the bars, staring right at Pyramid Head. He tried to remain fierce looking, but he couldn't help but sweat a little, looking at how Michelle was waving and smiling at him. He had even written a cool little speech to freak James out with, all about judging and butchering, and now he had forgotten the whole thing, just because of that little brat!  
  
"You know that guy?" James squinted at P. Head in the darkness.  
  
"No. No I don't." Michelle winked at P. Head.  
  
"Wow…that's gotta be the fattest monster I've seen so far. Look at that gut!" James exclaimed. Pyramid Head was non-plussed, but nevertheless, he tried to inconspicuously suck up his beer belly.  
  
"I think he's cute!" Michelle smiled at P. Head through the bars. Oh, swell! That's going to do wonders for his image! Big Bad P. Head, covered in blood, dealing out doom, and some little girl calls him "cute"! He hoped word didn't get around about this to the other pyramid heads. James made some stupid Tarzan yell and waved his chainsaw about, almost slicing Michelle in the head. Though it would do her good to get a little gored up, she was still Pyramid Head's meal ticket, and he wasn't that eager to loose her. Ok, maybe a little more eager after that "cute" comment…  
  
"Well, looks like he's just going to stand there. Probably too fat to fit through the bars, or even outrun us!" James chortled. "Let's go into this nearby room. It was perfectly spotless a moment ago!" Of course, when they went into the room, Pyramid Head had set up a gruesome little scenario with some dead body in front of a TV. Michelle threw the body from its chair without hesitation and began fiddling with the set. In no time, she was able to tune in a fuzzy "Price is Right".  
  
"Pull up a seat, James! I think they're going to play Plinko!" she exclaimed.  
  
"Plinko? That's my favorite! I hope they play that yodeling game, too. I love that little man, when he goes up on the mountain…" James squealed. He sat on the coffee table next to her and broke open a six-pack of juice.  
  
By the end of the program, they had drank all of the juice, though they had spilled quite a bit of it with their fanatical gestures, screaming at the people on the screen whom Bob Barker lured into his new-car-smelling clutches. When it was done, they decided to resume their journey.  
  
With a key that they found, they broke into a new area of the apartment, the part that had been behind the bars previously. Michelle made sure to keep an eye out for that delicious P. Head. So far, she hadn't seen hide or hair of him, and she was getting worried. James unlocked a new apartment door and pushed Michelle in first, as a human shield. The apartment was alive with the sound of P. Head doing something to some mannequins. Michelle stood there in shock, but James pushed her into a closet instead of wisely backing away and running in the opposite direction. He wanted to get an eyeful of the action. James and Michelle watched in shock as Pyramid Head wrestled with the writhing mannequins in the small kitchen area.  
  
"Orchestral maneuvers in the ground…"James whispered. "Is he doing what I think he's doing?" Michelle could only reply with a sniffle. What was he doing with those other women? Wasn't she enough for him? But suddenly, he twisted one with a violent movement, and it stopped jerking about, the life drained from it's misshapen body. He wasn't (how shall I delicately put this?) screwing them; he was just killing them in a very odd and suggestive manner. With one swift yank, he dragged the last living one out into the living room area. He threw it to the ground in front of him, and ripped the life from it without even laying one filthy finger on it. This display of power made Michelle weak in the knees.  
  
"Oh, P. Head!" she moaned, a little louder than she had intended. James was too nervous his whereabouts were going to be discovered to be unnerved by her unholy attraction to this abomination. Pyramid Head let out a mournful, tired sigh. Slowly, he started walking towards their hiding place. Michelle could feel James quivering in fear beside her. Suddenly, Pyramid Head did something very odd; he put one hand up to his nose area as his other hand waved about in a mysterious manner. Before Michelle could figure out what he was doing, James popped a gun through the opening in the closet and began shooting at him. Michelle cried out in fear for Pyramid Head's life, but suddenly realized that the bullets were bouncing harmlessly off of him, and he was suffering from a powerful sneezing fit. Of course, James thought he was reacting to the bullets. James stopped shooting, Pyramid Head quit sneezing, and Michelle started breathing again. Pyramid Head began whistling Barnes and Barnes' "Fish Heads" and lurched out of the apartment.  
  
"That was close!" James whispered.  
  
"Jebus, I gotta pee. Do you gotta pee?" James asked. Michelle nodded. "Well, it seems like there's a bathroom downstairs by the pool. Hmm…there's also this trash shoot that leads down there…Say, would you come over here, just for a little while?" James ushered her into a room adjacent to a stairwell. It was small, since it was the laundry room. Michelle couldn't help but be a little unnerved with the way James was looking at her.  
  
"Could you look down there and tell me if you see something stuck down there?" James asked. She leaned in a little to have a look, careful to keep her balance.  
  
"It does look like there's something in there! I wonder what it is?" she squinted into the dark shoot. She felt James's hands firmly grip her ass as he shoved her down the shoot.  
  
"See ya down there!" He called out, with a cackle. Michelle tumbled down through darkness, finally landing on a pile of trash. She had dislodged whatever was stuck down there with her face. She really didn't care what it was. She still had to pee. Maybe she could go in the pool! Who would care, anyways? As she picked her way towards the pool, she caught a glimpse of a very cute ass squeezing its way into the next apartment building over on the second floor. Pyramid Head! Maybe she could climb the fire escape and go after him. Right before she followed him, James jogged up to her.  
  
"Hey, I found a toilet! It's full of puke, but it's still good as new!" he announced.  
  
"No thank you, jerk off!" Michelle gave him a solid shove and ran away. "I know something you don't know!" Michelle taunted. And then, when she was sure she was far away enough to get away easily if he decided to follow, she added "About Mary, your dead wife!" just to torture him. The sound of James's screams and pleads accompanied her easy ascent into the neighboring apartment building. James grew silent, and it seemed he was busy dealing with the monsters in the mist.  
  
After what seemed like hours, Michelle sincerely doubted she would ever get out of the apartments again. At least now she had a weapon. She ran into a troubled young lady named Angela, who was threatening suicide. Michelle sat down and had a good, long, productive talk with her, and she seemed to cheer up. In return, Angela gave her the knife she was going to slit her wrists with. They exchanged e-mail addresses, and then Michelle continued on. Now she really looked like Pyramid Head junior, with her little knife. Eventually, she came to another stairwell door, and when she jiggled the handle, to her surprise, there was a response in the form of a loud banging on the other end, plus a little missive about judging and doom.  
  
"P. Head!" Michelle plaintively whined at the door. "I know it's you! Let me in!!!" she cried. Pyramid Head cracked the door, and then swung it all the way open irately staring down at Michelle. The Great Knife lay on the floor next to the stairs, which had been flooded with murky water for some odd reason.  
  
"What are you doing here?!" he bellowed.  
  
"I wanted to follow you so I could learn from example. This is a lot harder than you mentioned! I'm all tired out." She leaned up against a wall.  
  
"You're all tired out? How are you ever going to follow in my footsteps if you can't even make it around an apartment complex without even dragging about the Great Knife?!" he sneered, brandishing the wonderful weapon.  
  
"I have a knife now, too! It's the Not-So-Great Knife!" she giggled, whipping out the miniscule blade.  
  
"You think you're so damn funny." Pyramid Head commented of her laughing fit.  
  
"Well, you think you're so tough, giving some stupid speech about butchering and dooming and what not. I would refrain from saying any of that to James, you know. He'll just think you're dumber than he already figures you to be." She smirked.  
  
"You didn't like my speech?" he sounded genuinely hurt. He had spent all weekend working it out!  
  
"I think you should just be the strong silent type." She patted him on the shoulder.  
  
"What would you know?" he muttered under his breath.  
  
"I think you need a hug!" she squeaked, looking for an excuse to feel him up.  
  
"I think you need a pyramid head hug!" he replied, opening his arms to her. If she had known what a pyramid head hug was, maybe she wouldn't have wanted it.  
  
You would think that being in a town full of monsters would have broken James of his habit of entering rooms without checking what was in them first, or closing doors behind him without seeing if they locked from one side, but James wasn't the kind of man who learned quickly. When he entered the room, there stood his fearsome enemy giving a massive bear hug to that little brat that had followed him around earlier. Jiggling the handle to the door, he realized he was locked in with this gruesome scene. Might as well make the best of it!  
  
"Pyramid Head! Not so hard! You're going to squeeze the pee out of me!" Michelle croaked, despite the fact she was being squeezed so fiercely.  
  
"Heh heh heh…" P. Head laughed to himself.  
  
"PYRAMID HEAD HAS A GIRLFRIEND!" James yelled. Pyramid Head dropped Michelle immediately.  
  
"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!" He roared in response, grabbing his Great Knife from the floor, lunging at James with uncontained malicious intent. Unfortunately, though the knife was really impressive, it slowed him down considerably. James ran circles around him, shooting him repeatedly in his impenetrable head.  
  
"Fatty fatty fat fat!" James jeered. He wasn't prepared when Pyramid Head snatched him up by the throat and dangled him above the ground, violently shaking him.  
  
"You're not exactly supermodel thin, are ya?!" P. Head laughed. Michelle ran up and stabbed James in the butt with her knife.  
  
"OW! You too?" James whined from within P. Head's vice-like grip.  
  
"That was for copping a cheap feel on my ass!" she sniffed.  
  
"You touched her ass?" P. Head asked.  
  
"Um…yeah…" James was sweating bullets.  
  
"You're a braver man that I." P. Head tossed him to the ground.  
  
"What are you, gay?" James tittered.  
  
"What are you, sick? Just look at her!" Pyramid Head pointed to an indignant Michelle.  
  
"Point taken."  
  
"Take this point!" Pyramid Head resumed his attack, raising his Great Knife high over his head. Suddenly, an air raid siren sounded, filling the musty air of the small stairwell with its persistent and loud keening.  
  
"Oh boy!" Pyramid Head exclaimed, abandoning his attack in mid-strike. "Happy hour!"  
  
Without further explanation, Pyramid Head plunged into the waters and made his way downstairs. James and Michelle just stood there, stunned, as the remnants of his pointy head disappeared below the waves. After a few moments of shocked silence, the door at the bottom of the stairs must have opened, because the stairs immediately drained. Without another glance at James and his bleeding butt, Michelle dashed down the stairs, calling "Pyramid Head, wait for me!!!" 


	4. The Pyramid Head Party

THE PYRAMID HEAD PARTY  
  
  
  
Pyramid Head must've been really determined to get wherever he was going because he made record time hauling his ass out of those apartments, Great Knife and all. Michelle had to practically run after him as he dragged his way to the Brookhaven hospital. As they neared it, the sound of the klaxon grew louder and louder. Michelle had to clap her hands firmly over her ears to tolerate traveling towards the hospital. Though her eyes were watering, half from the chill of the night air and half from the excruciating pain of the siren, she saw other pyramid headed figures lumbering towards a similar destination. The alarm shut off abruptly, and it was replaced with the shuffling of hundreds of heavy feet filling the night air.  
  
"Where are we going? What's going on?" Michelle tugged on Pyramid Head's arm. He jumped, startled, as if he had forgotten she existed.  
  
"Oh, you're still here?" He stooped, staring at Michelle eye to pyramid.  
  
"Of course I'm still here! What else am I going to do? Now would you tell me what's going on?" she questioned anxiously.  
  
"Well, it's happy hour." He said, as if that simple statement would answer everything. Michelle still stared blankly at him. He gave a raspy, exasperated sigh. "Well, sometimes the guys get together and throw a keg party, and we all drink and have a good time. If you're going to be a pyramid head, you've got to learn these things. You should be ashamed of yourself! In fact, I'm ashamed of you. I can't be seen with you! You're going to make me look stupid." He turned away.  
  
"Oh, please take me with you! I'll be really good, and quiet- I swear, you won't even know I'm there!" she did jumping jacks of pleading exuberance. He turned back, grasping a patient demon in his hands.  
  
"It's just that you're not bloody enough!" he chuckled, slicing the writhing being in half, practically hosing Michelle down with it's blood. Pyramid Head gleaned many a satisfying giggle from this, watching Michelle twist and shout in the fountain of blood. When he was finished, Michelle was almost as bloody as he was, and much more pissed off. His plan was going splendidly; she should hate him in no time.  
  
"There you go. You look a little more decent. And give me that stupid knife before you poke your own stupid eye out!" He tried to snatch the Not-So- Great-Knife from her grimy paws, but she simply shoved it down her apron and out of sight.  
  
"And don't speak until I tell you to. I don't want you saying something dumb in front of my friends."  
  
"Ok." She agreed, but only to be able to follow him to the party. He continued on with Michelle close on his heels. They used a side entrance of the hospital, from which they continued on into the basement. It seemed to be a combination/extension of the pyramid head labyrinth and the hospital itself. Several pyramid heads would pass them, and since they all looked so similar (same black boots, same apron, same pyramid for a head) she held on to her man. She tied herself to his apron strings, if you will.  
  
"I'll take back that piñata, it's wasted on you- just spinning that pool cue all over the room! And give back the blindfold that's under your shoe! Let's drink, drink; this town is so great! Drink, drink, 'cuz it's never too late to drink, drink, to no big surprise! But what words rhyme with buried alive? What words rhyme with buried alive?" They Might Be Giant's song "Drink" sounded odd emanating from the gathering of pyramid heads and echoing off the walls of the secluded hospital's basement. Some of them were already quite drunk, judging by the way they slurred or forgot most of the chorus. Pyramid Head quickened his pace, and they finally made it to the main area where the party was in full swing. And what a party it was! Every pyramid head held a keg aloft as they sang their drinking songs; there was a dance floor, a make out room, and even an area where they seemed to be playing a strange sort of game with a local yokel. If there's one thing these guys like to do, Michelle noted, they like to drink. Pyramid Head instantly sliced through the crowd and snatched up a keg for himself.  
  
"Here you go." He tossed a keg nonchalantly at Michelle, who was forced to dodge it.  
  
"I can't drink, let alone hold, a whole keg!" she shouted. A hush came over the crowd.  
  
"Oh, geez, you're embarrassing me already…" Pyramid Head hissed at her under his breath. A few pyramid heads made their way over.  
  
"Hey, who's your little friend, here?" A trimmer pyramid head with a nearly clean apron came up and gave Michelle a solid poke in the head. She scampered behind P. Head for protection.  
  
"Nobody, just some chick I got from that Pizza Hell place. She's my uh, personal slave." Pyramid Head announced in a derogatory tone. "Here, if you can't handle a keg like a real pyramid head, I'll get you a little glass, for the little baby!" He sneered in a condescending tone. There was a bedpan lying crumpled in a corner that he snatched up and filled with beer and handed to Michelle. "Now shut your pie hole and drink!" he commanded. Michelle took an obedient sip, glancing around fearfully at the other curious pyramid heads. They were easily twice her size; huge brutes, half- drunk and mostly carrying spears. The ones who had come to look at the little intruder now simply regarded her "owner" in awe and chattered about how they, too, could procure little Pizza Slut slaves. P. Head seemed to further increase in popularity at her expense, and she almost didn't mind. Almost.  
  
"Come along; let's go watch them play 'Drunken Dahlia'." Pyramid Head pulled her over to the game ring. The floor of the ring had numbers and letters painted in blood, and an older, Gypsy-ish looking woman was being fed bottles of vodka in one corner. Rippling giggles flitted through the crowd in anticipation.  
  
"Are we going to foretell through gyromancy now?" the yokel asked, hiccupping and slurring worse than the onlookers.  
  
"You bet!" Chuckled an older pyramid head who then grabbed her by the shoulders and gave her a few hearty spins. They shoved her out into the middle of the room, letting her stumble and sway in the ring. A pyramid head standing on a high platform at one end of the ring with a good view of the proceedings wrote the letters on a chalkboard. It was beginning to spell 'H-A-R-R-Y-M-A', but unfortunately, that's as far as they got, because a huge pyramid head woman pushed Michelle to the ground and slapped the back of Pyramid Head's head.  
  
"Pyramid Head!" she shrilly yelled.  
  
"Oh, shit…" he grumbled, rubbing the spot she had struck him. Michelle slowly got back up to her feet, curious as to what this was all about.  
  
"Who is that?" she whispered to P. Head.  
  
"My ex-wife." He mumbled.  
  
"So, you finally show your ugly face again! Where have you been? I haven't gotten a child support check for over a year, you bum!" she ranted on. The features that identified this creature as being the female of the species were her lumpy, yet noticeable, breasts, and her high, nagging voice. Other than that, pyramid heads were mostly uniform in size and shape.  
  
"Where do you think I've been? And why should I give you any money, you whore? That's not my son! It's common biological law that female pyramid heads die after giving birth!" He retorted.  
  
"Is that true?" A pubescent pyramid girl nervously squeaked.  
  
"That's why we're such a lonely bunch!" A male solemnly raised his keg.  
  
"And he doesn't look a thing like me! Why, he's small, and blue, and he's only got one eye! He doesn't even have a pyramid! The only reason you want money is because that…thing's father skipped town, and you're too fat, lazy, and stupid to get a job! " P. Head continued. By this time, Dahlia had collapsed in a drunken heap in the corner, and the ex- Mrs. Head and Mr. Head were circling each other menacingly, much to the crowd's amusement. Michelle noticed currency exchanging a few hands.  
  
"It doesn't matter!" she haughtily sniffed. "You were married to me when I gave birth, so you're legally his father!"  
  
"Bull shit!" At this, she rushed him head on, and sparks literally flew as their metallic heads collided. He dropped the Great Knife on the floor of ring. This sent the spectators into an uproar, and they all cheered and screamed. Michelle had to be nimble, lest the frenzied onlookers trample her. The two continued to clash, fingers interlocked, heads scraping and screeching together.  
  
"I'll bet the reason you won't pay child support is because you've been slacking on your jobs…if you even get any anymore. Sure, once you were the best pyramid head out of all of them, but is that true any more? Do you still deserve the Great Knife? I hear that the central agency is only giving you soft little maniac boys who have bad aim and get all out of breath when they run! I'll bet that's not too different from yourself, hmm, fatso?" She taunted. The other pyramid heads hissed and booed her, and cheered P. Head on.  
  
"I'll have you know," he grunted, banging the crown of his head against hers "those 'soft boys' take an unusual amount of finesse…something you'll never have or understand! It's not just a quick stalk-and-stab job, like the kind you've routinely botched, but an intricate and slow warping of their minds!" As he said this, he butted his head so fiercely against hers, she was knocked to the ground, skidding through and smearing the bloody letters. He stood over her majestically, reclaiming the Great Knife and holding it aloft triumphantly. The crowd went wild. They gathered him up on their shoulders and drunkenly paraded him about, leaving the defeated woman twisted melodramatically in the ring. Michelle was swept along, not wanting to really question what exactly had gone on. When the revelry had somewhat died down, a gruesome cackle filled the basement. They turned to see the ex Mrs. Head standing high above them, making her way to the upper levels of the hospital in an open-door freight elevator.  
  
"I'll still have the last laugh!" She announced, waving a small, blue book in front of them. "This, for your information, is the great Mr. P. Head's diary. I'll leave it wherever the hell I feel like leaving it, and it doesn't matter to me who finds it first!" With this, the elevator lurched into the upper levels, leaving only the trace of her self-satisfied laugh echoing down the shaft. The crowd started whispering and mumbling amongst themselves. Certainly they wanted to see the contents of the book, but at the same time, they didn't want to inspire Pyramid Head's wrath. A great number of those gathered began excusing themselves to go to the bathroom.  
  
"NOOOO!" Pyramid Head shrieked in a fairly girly fashion, as he leapt from his place of honor on their shoulders and thundered up a nearby stairwell. 


End file.
